Sex Ed & Developmental Disability

Quick language note: You may notice that I use both person-first language (youth with disabilities) and identity-first language (disabled youth) because some people prefer one, some prefer the other, and some prefer something else entirely. I want to honor as many of those experiences as possible.

When I was in graduate school for sexuality education, we would often talk about who was missed by mainstream sex ed— people of marginalized races and ethnicities, LGBTQ+ and other gender expansive folks, non-monogamous folks, kinky folks... In fact, there was a required class to address the educational needs of all these groups because inclusion was considered so important (of course, for good reason). However, there was a portion of the population who was continually glossed over, who was mentioned as having high educational needs but rarely ever discussed, and for whom there was only an elective class (that only about 20 people could take every three years or so). I’m talking about people with disabilities.

This group as a whole is generally overlooked when it comes to sex ed, but I want to talk to you all specifically about sex ed that’s inclusive for people with developmental and intellectual disabilities (I/DD).

When I started my sex ed career, I knew that this group was underserved, but their education seemed out of reach for me. I knew how to teach a class of mainstream youth, but I truly believed that there was some sort of secret code required to reach students with I/DD. As an educator who has now been working with this population for nearly a decade, I can say with confidence that the secret code for working with these students is… the exact same sex ed best practices for any other youth!

Let me explain.

First, I want to start by naming some common myths people have about youth with disabilities and why they are harmful:

Myth 1: Youth with developmental disabilities are all asexual

While there certainly are asexual disabled people, because asexual people exist, there are plenty of allosexual (that is, not asexual) disabled people as well! Many disabled are never ASKED if they’re interested in sex, it’s just assumed that they can’t be. Often, if they display any sexual behaviors, they are assumed to not know what they are doing (or are even punished for displaying them). Many disabled people need extra support for daily living, which is of course important, but it is also important that they are afforded time and space for the privacy required to be safely sexual. As is the case for anyone else, if disabled people are not given privacy to be sexual, this doesn’t mean they won’t be sexual, it just means they might find an inappropriate place to do it. Which brings us to our next myth.

Myth 2: If they’re not asexual, they are hypersexual, predatory, and creepy

While it is true that some disabled people may do sexual behaviors in public places, ask sexually explicit questions at inappropriate times or to inappropriate people, or other behaviors that some people might find ‘creepy’, let’s consider what’s actually happening. Most people have to learn about who is appropriate to talk about sex with or where it is appropriate to be sexual through a series of unwritten yet extremely complex social rules. If someone is not great at picking up on social rules and no one ever takes the time to explain them, how on earth could we expect these rules to never be broken? Have you ever played a game that’s new to you with a bunch of experts who just expected you to dive right in and learn from experience without knowing the rules or objective of the game? If you have, I’m sorry! That doesn’t sound very fun at all. Now multiply this by life and the fact that there are legal and social consequences to never having learned the rules and you may be able to see where this unfortunate myth comes from. 

Myth 3: They cannot consent (especially nonspeaking people).

Consent can be confusing, but I would offer that it’s confusing for everyone! Especially those of us who had to learn about consent through movies and TV, which tend to be harmful oversimplifications at best. Many people also believe that consent must be a verbal ‘yes’. While it is important that consent be freely given, reversible, informed, enthusiastic, and specific… there’s no rule that says that level of specificity has to come from words! While it might take more time or a more digestible approach to ensure that people with disabilities understand the nuances of consent, disabled people can (and do) consent to many different things every day!

Myth 4: They cannot have meaningful romantic or sexual relationships.

I don’t have a good rebuttal explanation for this one. It’s just wrong.

Myth 5: They do not physically mature at the same rate as their peers.

If I had a nickel for the number of times I’ve heard parents of teens with disabilities say things like ‘oh they’re interested in Bluey, we’re not on sexual feelings yet. They don’t need education’… I’m not sure what I’d buy because inflation is wild, but I sure would have a lot of nickels! Whether a teen likes Bluey, Mr. Rogers, Marvel, or anything else they’re still a teen with new hormones and physical changes. And disabled teens have the same right to understand what’s happening to them is normal as any of their peers. 

Myth 6: They are all cisgender and straight

If you crunch the numbers, this simply isn’t the case. In fact, studies have found that transgender people are more likely to be autistic (AND autistic people are more likely to be transgender) and that there tend to be higher rates of gender diversity among other neurodivergent diagnoses as well. There are cisgender and transgender people with disabilities. There are straight people with disabilities and people with disabilities of every other orientation out there!

Myth 7: Disabled youth don’t need sex ed because ‘they’re just not ready for all that’

Of all the myths, this one makes me the saddest (and they all make me really sad). It’s the unfortunate reality that disabled youth are extremely vulnerable to sexual violence and exploitation. People with disabilities experience sexual assault at staggeringly high rates as compared to their peers (who already experience extremely high rates of sexual violence). And the fact of the matter is that sexuality education has consistently been found to be the intervention that is most likely to lead to reduced instances of sexual violence, across populations. Everybody is ready to learn how to be safe in an appropriate way. In fact, everybody should have the right to the information that is most likely to keep them safe and protected. Everybody. 

Best Practices

This brings me to best practices for sex ed. Because I’ve thought about it a lot… exactly how is disability-specific different from any other sex ed? And whenever I think I have an answer, I realize that I’ve actually come up with something that’s considered a best practice for everyone. And I suppose you’ve stuck around this long because you want to learn what those best practices are.

1. Most sex ed is actually healthy development and personal safety education

   When people hear ‘sex ed’, they think a lot of different things, but at its heart, sex ed gives young people age-appropriate information that they need to make decisions that are safe and healthy. Consent, boundaries, healthy relationships, self-advocacy, decision making, communication, physical development…these are all cornerstones of sex ed. Sure, we often talk about “greatest hits” like birth control and STIs, but that’s only a small portion of the puzzle that is sex ed. 

2. Don’t make assumptions about the learner’s knowledge

   While this is crucial to helping youth with disabilities understand these important topics, the same is true for all youth! And even adults! So many people have had such inconsistent access to education, that this is the first rule I teach new educators about teaching any population. 

3. Start basic and build in complexity once they have demonstrated a mastery of the basics.

   Do we expect elementary school students to understand calculus? Of course not, because they need to learn the foundations of numbers and arithmetic before they can understand complex mathematical concepts. The same is true for sex ed! For example, when talking to a young person about healthy relationships, rather than starting off with qualities of healthy and unhealthy relationships, let’s make sure they know what a relationship IS! Then we can learn that we have many different kinds of relationships in our lives, and that we do different touch/activities with different people in our lives. THEN maybe we can think about what we want and don’t want in relationships, and build up to naming qualities.

4. Demystify unwritten social rules

   Social rules are much easier for everyone if we are clear about what they are. Not only does it make sure that everyone is on the same page, but it also helps hold people accountable. If we teach social rules, people are more likely to follow them and if we don’t, young people are forced to learn from the media and people around them. If we don’t teach young people that their bodies belong to them and they get to decide what happens to them (and that the same is true for other people’s bodies) they are much more likely to break this rule because they saw other people not following it.

5. Remember that rules and norms being broken is not necessarily an indication that they’re not learning.

   Breaking the rules (and as a result learning about consequences) is a part of teen development; however, when youth with disabilities break these rules, they are often punished to a much higher degree than their peers would be for a similar infraction. As caring adults, it’s our job to set limits and consequences but also to provide a soft landing when mistakes are made (not if, when).

Hopefully I’ve made the case that disability-specific sex ed isn’t some big box of mystery. That said, I’m also not saying that it’s not hard! Sex ed can be challenging regardless of who the learner is. But remember, help is always out there, and you’re never alone.